September 6, 2019

Just some of the things I need forgiveness for

Forgive me for the snails whose fragile shells I've crushed under my feet when taking my dogs out for a pre-dawn bathroom opportunity. Each time I think I'll remember not to let it happen again, but you know how dark those early mornings can be and how hard it is to think ahead when your brain is still asleep.

And there was a slug the other day. Forgive me for him too.

Forgive me for not paying attention to all the things that deserved my attention.

Forgive me for the times I've seen an old person dining alone at a restaurant and not invited them to join my table. Give courage to the part of my heart that wants to extend the invitation in the first place. Help it be stronger than the part holding me back.

Forgive me for the eyerolls when my husband takes out the trash and fails to replace a fresh bag in the can.

Forgive me for forgetting people's birthdays or not trying hard enough to make them feel special.

Forgive me for not being able to go in the veterinary office to hold my dog as she was being put to sleep. And thank you for the person I married, who said he would do it and not to worry because wherever he goes, it's like I am there too.

Forgive me for being un-neighborly to my neighbors. For being unfriendly to my friends. For being unkind to my kin. And unloving to my loves.

Forgive me for the anger I've carried around for too, too long. Anger towards those who can't be what I feel they should be or won't do what I believe they should do.

Forgive me for all the things I've left unsaid. For the minutes or hours or even days (alright, years) I've let go by without trying to mend a broken relationship or at least slap a band-aid on it in some way.

Forgive me for every hateful thing I've ever thought. And for every terrible thing I've said, including but not limited to that thing I said to Kristin S. in the first grade and that other terrible, horrible thing I said to that boy on the playground in fourth grade, whose name I can't even remember. And forgive me for forgetting his name too.

Forgive me for the times I tried to make myself look better or stand out from the rest. Or make the rest look bad by comparison.

Forgive me for thinking what I can do = who I am. And forgive me for believing my value was directly proportional to my achievements, what I could do for people, and not needing to ask for help.

Forgive me for the stars I've neglected to gaze at. For the sunsets I've not bothered to watch. For the moments of wonder I've missed. Please let there be more wonder ahead. I'll be looking for it. Watching for it. I'll be paying attention. Promise.