Dear Madam,
We regret to inform you that a committee has met and determined once and for all you simply aren't good enough. We took a vote and unanimously agreed upon the following:
- You will never achieve the things you are secretly dreaming in your heart.
- Plus, your dreams are so silly....just let those go, mmkay?
- Everyone is watching and waiting for you to fail. Failure is not permitted.
- Stepping out and drawing any sort of attention to yourself is foolish.
- Quirky fashion and eclectic style is something reserved for a cool, other sort of person so please wear only plain clothing and never high heels (in case you didn't know already, you are just so tall).
- Asking for help is a sign of weakness and people are annoyed by people who ask for help.
- The broken pieces that you haul around will never be put back together again, no matter how hard the king's horses and men may try.
- Your Instagram following is paltry at best, pathetic at worst and this determines a great deal of your life's worth and value.
- All that time you spend reading or listening to audio books could be better spent creating viral content like snazzy graphics and shareable memes.
- There is no audience who will relate to the weird stuff you think about, so it's best to keep all that to yourself.
- Daydreaming is a thing of childhood. You must get serious and spend your time thinking about things like tax shelters, HMOs, and continuously variable transmissions.
- The world is just terrible so there's no point trying to do any good to the contrary.
- You cannot speak unless what you say sounds perfect. You may not act unless every detail has been planned out to the nth degree.
If you agree to these terms, please sign and return in a nondescript envelope without glittery stickers or any "i"s dotted with hearts.
If you do not agree, THEN KINDLY STOP LIVING LIKE YOU DO. THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY. SEIZE IT. THAT IS ALL.
